Nearly one in the morning, standing at the kitchen counter eating zesta whole wheat crackers with slices of swiss cheese I am cutting for myself.
Having read Hemingway’s “a moveable feast” tonight is keeping me up. I can only think of his Paris and his life, but am too tired to read about more. I have been reading more lately, coincidentally about writers writing and the process of doing so. Don Delillo’s “Mao II” has writers taking the place of terrorists, or the reverse really. And I don’t so much understand the importance of this as understand that it is important, for one reason or another.
My head is flooded with old places, and the painfully motivating sense that time is starting to slip away. I should be up every morning, devoting a few hours to some craft, my craft- it seems to be music. But I have not been. Is this a discipline I can gain? To what end and purpose should I be doing this? Tonight I seem to be coming to the conclusion that even if there is no other purpose, my self fulfillment is involved. At this point in my life I know that I will never be happy unless I am creating something. But the effort and time weighed against the earthly rewards it should/could or does not yield seems inbalanced. And that only leads me to think that it isn’t the process that is the problem, but it is my own lack of talent, or a misguided assumption made somewhere in the blur between craft and “hobby” . Wanting to do great things is much different from doing them. Is it ridiculous to sacrifice time in life that could be spent advancing one’s career or relationships for the sake of one’s own “art”?, especially when the art itself lends no tangible advantage to said life? But any great artist has had to start out un-great. The rewards change the process, and the process is changed by the purpose.
Perhaps, though, the only difference is a matter of a few hours of sleep.
Friday, July 6, 2007
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3 comments:
I would venture to say that every true artist wrestles with this same dilema, because it is more than a hobby, and it is part of yourself that you are putting out there, unprotected. It's a scary thing to commit to something that could be rejected, when it's not just a hobby, but it's who you are.
If it matters at all, we think you are incredibly talented and would listen to your music over and over.
Hi Kevin!
Nice to hook up with you!
your post made me think of these two things:
“If I ask God to give me the things I need; then I must assume that I have the fulfillment of my prayers in whatsoever cup He gives me to drink.”
and from Mother Teresa:
" We can do no great things; only small things with great love."
peace,
Steve lendzion
s_lendzion@yahoo.com
HI kevin,
I Just recently heard your music from glowworm and its good.
I'll tell you though, I was just debating the same thing. "do I keep working on my art, with no purpose or goal?"
Afterwards I went to youtube and started looking at alot of crap videos and found some good ones but I remembered something from college. Art for Art Sake The act of doing it is sometimes more of the point in the art than the end Product.
randy
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